What is acceptance?

Merriam-Webster dictionary says that acceptance is: "the act of accepting something or someone : the fact of being accepted : approval."  (source)

When we investigate further and look at accepting, we get a bit further: "able or willing to accept something or someone : inclined to regard something or someone with acceptance rather than with hostility or fear" (source)

This kind of acceptance is also a crucial part of acceptance and commitment therapy, ACT. The very basis is to accept our emotions and struggles. In the case of anxiety, we accept that our hands are shaking, our stomach is in a knot and we're apprehensive. 

We do not accept that we are scared cowards (because we are not). We accept that we feel anxious. We are not defined by what we feel, or by our diagnosis.

We do not accept that we will feel like this forever. We accept that right now, we feel anxious.

We do not accept that this is good/bad and must change. We accept that right now we are anxious, and that is all. There is no judgement of it being good, bad, terrible, or having to change. 

We do not accept that we are dying and in danger, and whatever else our anxiety tries to tell us. We accept that we have those thoughts. 

We do not accept that this is our fate and nothing can be done. We accept that we feel anxious, and based on that acceptance, we can start to think what is a logical course to solve the real problem.

Acceptance vs recognition/acknowledgement

The following example is from the Dutch book Voluit Leven, by Bohlmeijer and Hulsbergen: Let's say that you're lost in the woods. You recognize the situation, but fail to really accept it and everything it means. You'll panic and start running around like crazy... but you won't get far. When you accept the situation (you're lost), you also accept that running around will not help. You need a real plan, such as searching for known landmarks, shouting a bit, maybe climbing a tree to look around.

This is because recognition is narrow, reactive, and solution-oriented. You recognize a danger and react to it. All very fine when it's a real danger, like a car speeding towards you. 

Acceptance is acknowledging what is. It's not seeking solutions or assigning blame. It's about taking ownership. Acceptance is wide, proactive and expects no imminent solution.

Examples

Situation: panic attack

Acknowledgement: Help! I'm having a panic attack, so stupid of me, I need to calm down, I cannot do anything else!

Acceptance: I am having a panic attack. It will pass without a trace. I am still in control of my actions and decisions. This is happening to me at this moment, but this does not define me.

Situation: Avoiding a doctor's visit for fear of what they might find.

Acknowledgement: I can't go, it's scary, they will confirm whatever I have and I will become even more anxious, and then I cannot sleep and it's really not good for me. Even though it's good for me, I will not go.

Acceptance: I feel anxious, and my anxiety wants me to avoid this visit. However, I am in control and not my anxiety. Despite the uncomfortable emotions I will go and accept whatever it is they find.

Situation: Avoiding a party because of social anxiety

Acknowledgement: I have social anxiety, I cannot go. I want to see people but I'm scared, no one will want to talk to me and I'll make a fool of myself. To avoid this mess I'll just not go - even though I will miss a chance to have fun, meet new, nice people and listen to great music.

Acceptance: I feel anxious, but I will go anyway. I accept the emotions but I decide to focus on something else. I allow myself the chance to meet new people. Even though there might be awkward moments, I get to listen to music, see people and enjoy the atmosphere.  

Free floating fear

A recent discussion with a psychologist introduced me to a new concept, a new way of thinking about anxiety. It's called "Free Floating Fear", sometimes named "Free Floating Anxiety" -  and it may not feel like anxiety at all.

The idea refers to anxiety being an ever-present, nearly constant uncomfortable feeling without a specific target. The person may not be afraid anything in particular. It may not even feel like anxiety. It's just unfocused nervousness. The free-floating anxiety can feel like

• nervousness
• being uncomfortable
• restless
• tiredness
• being extra alert (observing the environment, observing people)
• being jumpy
• estimating and calculating risks also for the future
• having muscle pains and weak limbs (from constant physical tension)
• general feelings of stress, difficulty in relaxing
• difficulties focusing

The cause of free-floating anxiety may be impossible to find. It could be a combination of genetics, environment and experience. Also, it could have causes dating years and years back. It For example a childhood trauma, prolonged stay in an unsafe environment or another traumatic experience can create this permanent, free anxiety. At that time stress and anxiety were needed to keep us alive. However, when the situation changed, the anxiety stayed. It's simply our mind's mechanism to cope.

Now, in the present, can be triggered by external events. These events are then easily perceived as the reason for the anxiety. However, they only trigger it, they are not the cause.

Example

Bart is a stressed, anxious adult. He doesn't remember his childhood well. He has been told that the first 4 years of his life he was not well cared for. The situation at home was unsafe and he witnessed violence and substance abuse. He was adopted at the age of 4. Bart himself doesn't recall much of it.  

As an adult Bart develops health anxiety.  He tries to solve this by resolving his fear for health issues - but it never really works. He feels fine for a few years and then the constant jumpiness comes back.

According to free-floating anxiety -theory Bart is on the wrong track. His anxiety was caused by childhood trauma. it's only triggered by health issues. Unless he works on re-building his sense of self and safety, the anxiety will not be resolved.

 

Coping with free-floating fear

Choosing Therapy -website has 11 tips to recognize and deal with anxiety. Most of them are focused on getting a more realistic view of the present conditions. Where are we? How do we feel? What are we doing to maintain or to break the anxiety? 

More information

Choosing Therapy: https://www.choosingtherapy.com/free-floating-anxiety/

Verywellmind: https://www.verywellmind.com/free-floating-anxiety-definition-symptoms-traits-causes-treatment-5116623

Finding the words for feelings and sensations

In therapy, at the doctor's, talking to a friend, writing a diary, during mindfulness... there are  many situations where we want to explain what we feel. 

For many this is difficult. Some even say they "don't feel anything". Apart from people with specific disorders, who are uncapable of having emotions, I think we all feel something. We just don't always have the words to describe it.

Words for emotions

Forget feeling "fine" or "not bad". Check the amazing Emotion Wheels by Human Systems. Below is as an example the wheel for uncomfortable emotions:

(c) Human Systems

Start from the middle to pick your base feeling, for example Sad. Then  move on to the middle ring,  and see what resonates best. The third, outer wheel gives even more definition. The process of choosing is already therapeutic as it helps you to define what you are experiencing - and what you are not. "I'm feeling sad, but not angry or afraid" gives you a direction and strengthens your ability to recognize your emotions. 

Human Systems also have Needs wheels, for those moments when you are missing Something. You can combine it beautifully with the Emotions wheels. I am feeling Afraid, and to help it, I need Safety in the form of (fill it in with your chosen need).

The creator of these wheels also has a YouTube- channel with the name humansystems3940. Please check her website and videos to get more information on how to use these wheels.

Words for physical sensations

Physical sensations, things we experience through our senses, can be just as hard to describe as emotions. This is why doctors ask so many questions. We have "back pain", but the doctor needs to know exactly where, when it started, is it continuous, is it burning, stinging, aching, throbbing... 

Even your basic mindfulness-exercise, the body scan, starts with recognizing what we feel within our body. Without the words the entire exercise can feel useless and frustrating. "What do you mean how my leg feels? It feels normal!" 

Blasius Counseling has an alphabetical body vocabulary to help find definition. Maybe your leg is warm? Or itchy, or you feel pressure from your clothing, or the new socks feel soft.  

Larisa Noonan has created this "sensational list" in handy categories from Stabby to the well-known Ugh and Blah. She also has a specific category for words describing well-being and vitality.

Beverly Swann also has a handy one-page list of sensation words you can even print out.

So, let's try again...

... how do you feel?